All pages filed under "life"
You ever get those days where your mind insists on repeating parts of a phrase, a single word, a few words from a song or just random thoughts over and over?
No matter what I have done so far I cannot stop the worm from crawling through my brain. I swear sometimes its going to drive me crazy, if I am not already! Hoping writing this down
takes away the lunacy. I have found that talking out aloud to yourself works!
Hi Hitch, I am you. Pleased to meet you.
Thats just wierd…
This will probably come as a surprise to some and not so much to the closest people in my life but, I have no confidence… In myself.
I know. You are sat there probably scoffing at the thought or simply assuming I am leading somewhere that proves the exact opposite. I am not…. kinda.
Most weeks go past with at least one session of me wondering why I even bother. Why am I here. What is the fucking point. Now, I am NOT saying I
am suicidal or anything, I am not… Haven’t been for years… But I do get depressed, just like you and everyone else. I am very good at hiding it though.
I am a complete fucking genius at looking like life is amazing. I don’t like to talk to anyone about it. I don’t even know why I am writing it down in here, although
the chances of anyone reading this is near next to zero so hey, no matter etc etc. Anyway! I guess the whole point of this is I actualy feel good right now.
I feel like I have people behind me, for the first time in oh so bloody long. The girl is behind me, pushing me and saying I can do things and I believe her. I have
mates who think I am capable and more than anything else this has helped me realise I can probably do something about… stuff! So here I go. A new path with a possible
future and a feeling in myself that is positive and not dreamy or out of reach.
I want this! I need this! And I feel like its all reachable with some hard work and effort. I feel like I am 20 something years old. Its quite strange, I like it.
Anyway! Just thought i’d word it out on a blog nobody reads. If you do read it though… just say hi :)
Today, at the age of 53, my childhood passed in the night with a gentle sigh.
I realised, with a sudden dawning of understanding, that I shall likely never go to space. I shall never feel a lack of gravity.
I shall never see with my naked eye the wonder that is the Universe at large. I was born too soon. Science is getting there too slowly.
I am not saddended by this, there are far more good things in my life than bad and the let down is not as sudden as the actual realisation. Its is, what it is.
I, like many others were told as a child that I was born ahead of my time. I drew the future, I dreamed the fiction. I am and always have been a
spaceman in my heart and mind but I am not a Billionaire. I am too old to work my way there and Science has, to a degree, let me down in my quest to travel to the stars.
Again, it is what it is.
No Aliens have contacted me and offered me a free trip to planets unknown. I do not have a magical Electronic Thumb to hitch a ride on a passing Destructor Fleet and I
probably wouldn’t enjoy the poetry anyway. I should add that if any passing Aliens read this, I am an excellent example of the Human Race. I do not desire what many seem to and I
am not afraid… Well, If you look like terrestial Spiders I may need a moment to realign my senses and primal fears BUT I can overcome them!
It is, what it is. It is however, saddening.
I mourn my childhood yet I also celebrate that I nearly made it. I was so close and I shall still dream.
Songs of the futre - Part 1
- And the people were lost by the river, and songs were sung to guide them home.
“Do you speak the truth?”
“I say the notes, the notes fail to stutter.”
“Then you be lyrical, truth must be sound and not song.”
“But the song is distant and pure, therefore I do not lie.”
“Mentioned and taken stranger, mentioned and taken.”
“May I go then? I am weary from the steps.”
“Pass and be done.”
Each step taken as a leaded weight, one front of the other and back foot brought forward the stranger entered the tunnel. The track of pitted iron guided him through the maze of sanctuary, never once letting its fare wander or giving rise to loss. To his eyes the tunnel was smooth and never ending, gloss upon gloss and a dozen ages of use made the smooth no lie yet the tunnel did end.
A stagger backwards was taken before the door was seen. He raised a hand to push against the dark brown metal, on touching the door it opened and he stepped into the shaft. The voice was cold and clear yet soft, a woman’s, probably long dead as all in sanctuary.
“Scanned and logged. For your own safety please hold the rail.”
The bar slid silently out of the wall, instinct not comprehension making the stranger grasp hard. “Cold wood, won’t burn.” He mumbled to the air as a sudden rush of wind forced his words back within.
“Level one, main habitat.”
“Level two, engineering.”
“Do you sing?”
“Level three, way-station. Please disembark”
“You are not truth” The stranger stood proud, aware of the difference yet not comprehending the how or the why.
The door slid open and despite his unknowing he disembarked.
Facing the new path the stranger studied the details. He was well past the common age and if ever challenged on his years he would always reply the same. “I look for the details, always the details. A path well trodden, a waterhole fairly used, a meal taken after others. Always the details.” He had passed his father and those brought to time around him, he lasted over the bairns of the same timers and offered his details to others in kindness but of course kindness is never taken.
He looked down the path. The dark walls of granite and smooth rock replaced with off white unnatural. A perfect curve ending on either side of the gangway, metal grilled with the sound of running water underneath. Lights embedded into the walls took his attention. Without fear the stranger placed his hand gently on the clear panel, the heat of the electrical lamp warming his palm but not burning. The carbon filaments not even touching their half life as the safety programme maintained heat and light to optimum factors. Fibre optic cables embedded and sealed within the walls constantly relaying all details to the main core deep within the Cheyenne mountain range. If the stranger had known the magic of computers and high logic then he would have smiled at the details logged and tracked, but understanding would have been lost. Computers, programming, software, nuclear cells and generation technology would have been words and words didn’t have notes. They wouldn’t have song and so they were useless to him. The standing guard however he understood. The homemade stock and its purpose was plain, you entered when he said so. This was song, this was truth, and this the stranger understood.
The guard stood silent at the large iron door, hand on stock and eye on the stranger. “Speak the truth and passage will be given” The words simple and common. The stranger walked forwards uttering the common song.
“The song is truth, the notes of the song ring true”
“Which song do you speak?”
“There is only one song, one truth. To be more would be lies and not song”
“Pass and be done”
The stranger passed through the door, content with his answers and smiling at the song. A thought occupied his mind, the girl. The girl that became his side and bore him bairns of his own, all gone now, all passed as everyone else was passed. She had a name but the name was distant, many years gone and all but forgotten. He remembered the girls face, her scars and her water. He remembered her love and her death, all the same now. He looked up at the stars and the girl faded from memory once more. As she faded he cried for he knew that this was the last time yet he didn’t now why.
“Stand and prepare.” The echo of a woman gone in years past streamed into his ear once more.
“You still don’t sing” The stranger said with emotion
“Stand and prepare”
“Please follow the yellow lights, stand and prepare”
“Who are you?” The stranger looked about the room, uncomfortable with his own words. Words made speech and speech was not song, yet he spoke the words. A flicker of thought passed through his mind once again, another question: “Who am I?”
“I am transportation module 91243, you are requested traveller. Stand and prepare”
“Are you truth?” The stranger stepped forward following the small blinking lights that led to the illuminated circle.
If the program responded he didn’t hear. Within a moment his body flickered, digitized and vanished. He looked around and saw more stars in the heavens than he had managed to figure in all his years. Little did he know that one of the stars was a sun, a sun that had warmed his bones since he was brought to time. A sun now eighty light years distant and a lifetime away from understanding.
Everything above is copyright me, the owner of this blog, Hitch, Vaughan. I who resides in the shell of the named one at this moment in time.
How sad it is that some people feed off negativity by trying to force it upon others. In all walks of life we will, at some point, have to
deal with those who can only feel good by trying to make others feel bad but for me most comes during streams on Twitch. It’s
not the first time I had to deal with it and it will not be the last but as ever I deal with it the same way, by taking the negative losers
and instantly stopping them from continuing the behaviour.
What I find worse than those however are the ones who try to pass it off as a joke. It is not funny. You are not funny. You are merely a disruption
waiting to be dismissed. These pathetic excuses for humanity either forget, or simply do not care, that some may feed on those negative comments and
it not only offends but also disrupts lives. Many people teeter on a knifes edge of depression and trust me, it takes little to topple people over the edge.
I have covered this in my blog and stream before and we covered it a lot in last weekends immense charity stream for Safe In Our World and Mental Health awareness. I will not
let my safe haven be an open battle ground for this behaviour. I do not feel that I am some white knight and yes, sometimes people do have to just deal but not always and not in my channel.
Feel free to not watch me if this upsets you. Feel free to not subscribe to me. Feel free to think that this upsets me to the point that I write this post. Nothing
you do or say matters. How does that make you feel? I already know the answer, enjoy yourself and the pretend smile you are currently placing on your self, Mouth breather.
Hitch, what is your favourite console?
I am asked that a lot due to the nature of most peoples relationship with me, aka retro streaming and communities. Problem is
its the wrong question. I could answer it and the answer would be the SEGA Saturn and Panasonic 3DO but its still the wrong question.
OK OK! hitch, what is your favourite retro system?
YUS! the Spectrum, K thanks bye. Specifically the ZX Spectrum 128k +2A (herein known as the speccy).
As anyone who knows me fairly well will testify to, I have had a loving relationship with the (best) micro-computer since 1981(2) and it all started
with the humble and amazing best selling computer of all time, at the time, the ZX Spectrum. I had previous Sinclair computers the ZX80 and ZX81 but the speccy
is the one that showed me the true power of the computer. Its ease of use, its excellent BASIC (which was perhaps done better by the BBC B but thats all opinions and doesn’t count),
its incredible software (games?) and its entry price point.
I am not alone, everyone had one! If you didn’t you were just an outlier back then with Dragons and the like, and as such your childhood circle grew with tape sharing, advice, programming help, Ice Cream Sodas and Beans on Toast
at your mates house by the mum you would later in life learn was to be called MILF. Hey, deny it but you all know its true!
Recently I recieved my very first Speccy 128k +2A and… Why did I wait so long? Was it fear that my humble 48k would be left in the cold faster than a political opponent of Putin? Well, if so it is certainly feeling those
Siberian winters because frankly put, the 128K Spectrum with its GLORIOUS AY sound chip is the greatest 8-bit Computer of its age and this age and any other fucking age that shall come to pass!
Nostalgia you say? Never had one so not really but yes, some plays a part from the 48k days and I am unashamedly now a bloody fanbois. I christen myself as such and stand proud alongside the rest.
This past week I have re-lived the glory days of Deathchase, and beat my old high score! I have mined with Manic, I have landed on hostile Planets to put my broken ship back together and fuel it with…
wooden crates of fuel that fall as if a miracle from the sky! I have gleamed alongside GULF and had more than one Alter Ego whilst climbing the Old Tower. I have rocked my socks with a vibrant Demo Scene
and pogo’d with viewers to the cruel sounds of 90s Techno. I can honestly state that this nerd has now lived the high life like a blister in the sun. Thank you speccy. I heart you!
Words are amazing things. Using words we can illuminate, educate, enhance, exasperate, decimate and more. We have, of late
all learnt that words we used a decade or more ago are no longer acceptable in general society and so we learn newer words to describe things.
I say newer though most are far older than the shorter, often insulting words we used later in human history. We do this not because
we are inhibiting others but rather we are freeing them by not placing undue limits upon them. We are not black or white, we are
neither stupid nor too smart for our own good. We are all on the spectrum in some way or another and so we, or at least I, learn
to use other expressions that define with more clarity than before. Someone is not just gay, they can be many things that one word
covered twenty years ago and was never enough. Someone else is not just disabled, they are inpaired in a wholly different way than the next person
with a disability.
I, as a streamer feel that whilst I am no vanguard of humanity I do hold a certain responsibility to people who watch my streams and as such
I choose to give them a safer place to be. A place where they can, if they so wish, express themselves to others without being name called
or shamed in some way, be it verbally or other and because of this I draw lines in the sand that you cross at your own peril. This is my World
and like it or not, my rules. I like to think my rules are just based around common decency for others. I will warn you and if you
continue you shall be treated like you choose to treat others, with disdain.
Today, in my stream that line was crossed. Two people were banned. I do not time-out, I warn then they go or apoligise and move on. I do not
time-out because it is a pointless excercise in futility. If you are homophobic or a mysoginist, if you choose to hate or degrade then me
or my mods timing you out will not change your behaviour. If anything it will only increase your hostility as someone dares to challenge your
outdated operandi modus and so, we ban. We cut you off, we forget about you, you cease to exist in our World and your hatred has less room
to fester and propogate. Too all of those who dislike this, we do not care. We care even less that you end up caring more about being silenced.
Words are amazing things. You can use them how you wish and you have and always will have the abillity to use them as you wish. Just remember,
we have the ability to use ours in the same way. We have the ability and right to ignore your hate or misplaced hostility.
I draw my line in the sand on all of your words. I draw a line at homophobics. I draw a line at racism. I draw a line at mysoginism and
I draw a line at insulting those who are inpaired physically or mentally.
Why do we retro? In this case my meaning is more specifically, why do we retro game? Why do we suffer the indignity of getting old games to work on older machines?
I highly suspect there is no one answer. No catch-all for this specific question. We, the retro-gamer live in a world filled with nostalgia, rose tints and memories
of a life that was simply… better. Of course all those reasons are anecdotal at best but maybe that is the whole point of retro in general, in all aspects. If I wear old reading glasses
or dress in vintage clothing it is the same as listening to music of a different generation. It speaks to us on very different levels and this changes across the
vast spectrum of humanity and, in my humble opinion is why retro is important to all of us, or at least most of us. I would go so far to say that if you are a
reader of this blog or not you will at some point look at something in the past and smile with recollection and this dear reader is why the above question is simply impossible.
If I take my own self, the only self I am actually qualified to contemplate then I would answer that I retro because it makes me feel safe. When I play retro-games I tempt
myself back to a time that, in the moment, is a good place to be. I would equate it to being in a Cat Stevens song. There are sad moments but even those are a warm memory. There is the
prospect of sorrow but one we are prepared for because we already lived it, we are here right now reliving those memories. We beat the game, the video game and the game of life and we can smile
inwardly and outwards as we tackle one more level, one more course and godamn it feels good! We listen to recordings of the past and sing along, we read old fiction to get a glimpse of what we
miss or what we wish we had missed and it makes us smile.
Those who did not live through that particular game, or generation can still re-live the experience and joy because we as humans are by our very nature empathic to others and their experiences. So
when someone tells you that the kids will never experience… blah blah, tell them how wrong they are. Go one step further and show them how to pass on the joy of retro instead of gatekeeping an
experience they only feel is for the entitled few.
So, back to the question. I answered. Now it is your turn. Why do you retro? What do you retro? Find me, tell me. I am sincerely interested.
This past week I decided to re-engage with some of the retro community. I pulled back from a lot of it on a personal level because,
well lets be honest here, it’s got some right dicks in it. All communities do of course, this is nothing new nor special
to retro gaming but I always felt the retro gaming community could do better than it often does and as such I felt more
disapointment than maybe I should when they devolved back in to silly fanbois with “mine’s better than yours”. I should say I have
also done this, but to justify myself a little, perhaps mostly to myself. It was done when backed up against a wall by the aforementioned fanbois.
When in a balanced conversation I may joke that the CD32 is an STD and that the C64 is a brown based waste of time, but I don’t actually mean
it, I just come off strongly because you have to shout to be heard over some of these people. The reality, all retro is cool to someone and
thats why it is great.
So anyway, my social engagement has started again. Not with everyone but with those I feel a mutual respect with, those that know about retro
in general and those that have the intelligence to see the good and bad in all the systems. Twitch has had a lot to do with this as I slowly
dump the haters I have met along the way. The sad defilers of enjoyment and discussion can DIAF. I am here to talk retro, to play ALL retro. No better, best, worse, just
entertainment and fun from a bygone era that some of us think deserve preservation and love.
In doing so I would like to thank some of those who helped me come back from the edge of social obscurity outside of my Twitch channel. I am doing it in here
because the haters cannot reply and will probably not even see it. The ones I thank, if they do see it, can’t say a damn thing to me and make me
I shall start with the regulars. Kola, Pixels, Edd, Hicks and Grey. I call them my crew and I mean it not as a leader but as a fellow equal. They always seem to
have my back even when I may not entirely deserve it. As mentioned on a stream recently, I would hunt their murderers down and steal back the stolen memories.
They also stream the things I enjoy (‘cept for Edd who really should!). We like the same things despite also being very different. They are the pinnacle of a community that may be small but
with those hearts within, it feels huge.
Throwing some love to Beanhed81, he who I constantly annoy with my dissing of the CD32 but takes it on the chin like a pro. He who enjoys colour
over puke greens and dull browns and knows the simple truth of SEGA Saturn. It is the best. He is the best. I am extremely lucky to have found him and
as with the guys above I feel if we lived closer then many an hour at the pub would be had talking shit about old dead things with smiles on our faces.
To AmigaBill. A fanbois that I actually like! He may well defend the Amiga but his appreciation for all retro is apparent and his community should
feel lucky he leads it. Possibly the nicest guy I have never met.
The AntStream team. Only spoke to a couple but the obvious love for retro in general and the desire to spread the word of old is something that
makes me proud to be a part of that team. I always say that i will never promote that which I do not like and enjoy no matter what they pay me and
i’d promote them for free. Just don’t tell them, OK? Lol. If you see this BK, just ignore it! Special shout out to Woody. He has been in my corner since taking over from
other people and I really do feel like the lad would catch me if I fell backwards with my eyes closed. Jim, I can say no more than you ‘Mother Fucking Legend’ <3
And last but certainly not least to my community. The place you hang with me has changed over the years. The names changed, the people have changed but you guys are
the best my community has ever been by a million miles. I thank you from the heart. You make my “job” a pleasure and even when I contemplate ending it (the streams not myself)
its knowing you guys are out there that pulls me back so i enjoy it again. Dazza, Sparkles, Coconut, Steve, Prof, Bovine, Berz, Smol boy and girl, Rhino, Gaffer, Tas and everyone else who support me just
by being around on my streams and in my Discord. Hugs. I left a ton of people out, you are just as important to me but I have to stop otherwise the list would look like one of Pixels excel sheets!
The biggest thank you goes to Pinkemma. She will probably tell me to “fuck off nerd” and whilst doing so will bring me some cinnamon covered apple slices during my stream. This is why she is simply
the best. Trust me, without her behind me you lot would have no streams.
A silly post in many ways, but I felt the need to say it and now I have.
Keep it real. Keep it retro!
Was 2020 so bad? Really?
I write this after hearing a lot of the usual end of year comments “Thank (insert deity here) it’s over!” - “Next year will be better!” and
I have to question if this year was any worse than any of the previous. Yes we have had an extra fear of dying whilst choking on our own snot
and vomit from yet another bug, parasite, germ, disease, virus that seem to hit us firmly in the face in one variety or other but is that
different that anything else in the 19th, 20th and 21st century? There is seemingly something to test us beyond the norm in most years for the past several
hundred, maybe even several thousand of them. Its certainly been inconveniant but without meaning to somehow disparage any poor souls
who have passed due to Covid-19 there has not been that many people lost compared to any previous year or decade that may not have tripped
the light fantastic anyway due to age, health etc. Let me be clear, I am in no way saying this is unimportant and no more worrying that say the Flu
because it plainly is, what I am saying is that it may not have made that much difference in the end, we shall never know because it is impossible
to judge a current present with a possible present that may or may not have happened.
It’s certainly been a fairly normal year for this guy at least and in general this household. I admit that this Christmas holiday period has been
different due to restricting travel and wearing masks in shopping centres but those things have been so minscule in reality the only real upset was
that we didn’t always get to do what we wanted. Some people find that thought abhorrent but those people are selfish and afraid in general, we are not and
as such it was just that, an inconvenience. As someone very close to the danger age bracket maybe it would have been worse had I caught it, and there is still a chance I could,
but the inner me says i’d be fine and probably less sick than I was at the start of the year with a fairly normal Flu virus.
There is of course the financial aspects of certain business and they are still having trouble now but a lot of these businesses seem to be very fragile
without any outside factors causing mayhem and a large part of me wonders how much of that is their own fault. Could it be that this extra on top merely pushed them over the edge
because they were already teetering close to the cliff and assumed everything would be fine? Some, no. Some, yes. Does that make it right? Of course not
but 2021, 2022 and beyond will not fix what is already broken if so and it WILL happen again if they do not change things around. To counter this, many of us got
to work from Home for the same pay or close enough whilst our expenditures came in less due to transport etc. I won’t even get in to the argument that heating and food went up because
thats mostly complete BS and is easily shot down with common sense. Speaking of working from Home, no more can they say “It doesn’t work” because it plainly does so when
you all go back to the office and suggest working from Home again and they give you that look, just stare back because they know they are now fucked.
It sucked not being able to see family when we wanted but there appears to be just as many who were happy to take a break from family pressures and worries
without having to make excuses because we already have the best one! “I can’t come Dad, Covid!”. For some of course not being able to take that Holiday was awful but… Well,
I already mentioned those kind up there somewhere in a previous paragraph and they need less attention, not more.
There are some good things from this year too. We got rid of a Ginger asshole, or are at least in the process of it. We did some cool space shit. Global Warming
became almost impossible to ignore even for the stupidest people and a lot of changes deemed to be bad turned out to be just fine after all, not that
we will hear about them because (s) Brexit is only bad news (/s). We created new avenues for freindships
as we curtailed social anxiety for many people by reaching out with the humble webcam. Online communities blossomed and became the norm reducing the social backlash
that has hindered them for far too long because old people didn’t get it. The young of today stood out to be counted whilst the 20+ student generation showed their true face
and stood out as selfish imbeciles (I count this as a good thing).
All in all, 2020 sucked. It sucked because every year sucks to some extent but it also ranged from great to fine to simply OK depending on how you delt with it and I guarantee 2021
will have just as many people at the end of it cursing the fact that some 91 year old celebrity died or some random shop in the middle of nowhere closed down and any other
number of things that happen every single year regardless of pandemics.
With all that said, have a good end of year and a good next year. I certainly intend to make the best of whatever comes my way because otherwise, what the hell is the point?
Firstly, let me say that you won’t find me using the lgbtqia+ very often. Reasons are simply that I feel most use of it is personal but this one time
at least I feel something needs to be said because everyone else (outside of mainstream media) seems terrified to say it. Cyperpunk 2077 is good. It’s a good game.
It has good gameplay. It isn’t perfect however it does one thing more than any other game I have played. It makes transphobia stand out and be counted!
Now, I write this as an ally of the lgbtqia+ community who is not trans or queer or even bi in practice (work out from that what you will) but I
have always stood up for the rights of the community and more importantly I try to be there for anyone that needs a shoulder. Some may say
that I do not know enough because I have not experienced it first hand, those people need to stop right now. You have no idea what I have
experienced and likely never will because again, its personal and I do not need to validate myself to you or anyone else to make what
I say true.
There has been some debate of late about the game and how it is transphobic or the devs and artists have done transphobic things. Complete and utter tosh!
Pretty sure near everyone upset by this is white, middle aged and straight as a fucking ruler whilst the actual trans people (not all) are like “Yes! I can has dick/vagina, finally”.
Again, not all is perfect for example the gender pronouns are not what they could be and the voices needed more work as this is often a massive issue for someone transgender but, and I state this as much as I can
when talking about this subject… It is a Video Game. It is also a video game that pushes norms in the way we need them pushed. As for that advertisment in game, sorry snowflakes but every trans person I know
finds it hilarious and a leveler to the straight norms found in every other video game.
Not saying you have no right to be righteously indignant but as with most cases of this ilk, you are wrong and need to step back. Please, let this be the stepping stone we need
for more of this entertainment so the other white, straight middle aged housewifes and husbands finally realise its just normal humans doing normal human things. That
is the point of gender equality after all.
Anyway! The above was meant to be just a small part of this blog entry…
I am a gamer. If you are reading this then you are probably fine with this statement but today I discovered some are not and for some unknown reason
the gamers seem to care.
So I was reading this discourse in a Twitch chat. A place where gamers be gamers but it looks like some of us are secretly embarassed by this fact. Why? When it comes to dating, talking
to work mates etc saying you’re a gamer is a bad thing. Why are you accepting of this societal norm? If you go around looking for a relationship whilst not explaining your own personality
then it WILL end in disaster and it WILL be your fault, not his or hers. Look, I am no Love Doctor (Will Smith I am looking at you for your awful portrayal of moi!) but common sense dictates
that if you hide your personality from your wanna be significant other than you are lying to them and yourself. Not a good base for a solid relationship is it? Tell them you game!
Tell them you also do other things. You work. You probably read on occasion. Pretty sure 99% of you also watch Netflix or movies. Do you eat? What do you like to eat? “I’m a gamer…” Come on!
If they look at you in disgust then why the hell are you trying to date them? Get some self respect FFS.
If this person doesn’t game, doesn’t watch movies or Netflix and doesn’t eat then they have issues mate as do you if you really only game. Its not a relationship you seek, it’s help.
There is, probably, someone for everyone out there. Sometimes we have to look outside our box but we also have to place the things we enjoy in the box so we can play together. Don’t lie.
Don’t sit there with this egotistical idea that you as a gamer are the only right way in the conversation.
For the record, I am a gamer… I am also a Cyclist, a reader, a lover of Sci-Fi and Crime dramas, a Chef, a lover, a debutant and a beard. I also look damn good in a dress and find Gerard Butler hot!
Back, up and running. New PC is a dream to use and has been providing me with a plethora of new games and some old that I can now run in
ridiculous mode. Desk is super clean and I have loads of room and I am back streaming. No sign yet on that new job I am trying for and Christmas
is booked for a few weeks down south in the family home. Beyond that, very little has happened.
I have firmly decided I will keep streaming even if I get this job though on a cut down basis but as Emma tells me, I need the outlet. She is,
of course, correct. I think I also need the community I founded and have watched grow in to something I didn’t realise was so important to so many. Just
the thought of me closing it all and walking away (which was never going to happen by the way) has brought me support and well wishes that I
just did not expect but that warms me in some strange way so I am willing to accept it, humbly.
I feel that we, people in general, often fail to see the effect we have on others for good. Perhaps we get embarrassed or feel we do not deserve the praise
but for whatever reason we rarely notice it. We do notice the bad we cause though, or at least I have done in the past. And yes, of course I have affected people
the wrong way too, to say otherwise would be ignorant and egotistical… But regardless, the good is what I am focussing on here. I have been a force for good it seems.
I feel very silly typing this out but this is exactly why this is here so, ya know? Without getting all full of myself, I am very happy that some deem me worthy of praise
for some small efforts on my part to enhance, cheer, celebrate change and support people I meet. I feel happy enough to punch myself in the arm with a “you did OK”. That’s it though.
Now we can all carry on as if nothing happened, thank you very much.
Sorry for the lack of a blog for the past few days. I had to wait for tech support to get me back online with Visual Studio Code (what I use to do this blog) and… well, I have been playing
so many games i kinda forgot :)
I have applied for the new job. Its my perfect job. Bike Mechanic and Bike Builder with a side of Ski.
Really want this. Hope I get it. Trying to not get too happy though.
Changing ones lifestyle is easy or hard? I am going with the latter but I do believe the hard part of both is that you have to want it. I want it.
This is not a depresing post, in-fact its the exact opposite even though some will see it as depressing and may even be concerned for my welfare. Do not be, I am fine.
For the past few weeks, maybe months, I have been considering downsizing my Retro Gaming collection. Now, when I say downsizing I mean actual, real, downsizing. I am hoping to aquire a new job, one I want to do for a change and if I get it
I will likely dump 90% of my gear. If I do not get the job then I am likely still going to dump a large percentage of my current gear. Maybe… We shall see. Just writing that line
has made me reconsider my possible future actions and that annoys me! See, I know that I want change but as already mentioned change can be hard.
Why do I want change is perhaps the more pertinant question I should ask myself and believe me, I have… a lot.
The answer I keep coming up with is not a satisfactory one. I want change because I want change. What? Can that be a reason? Can you change your life simply because you want to or do you need an actual reason for it?
It’s not like the change I want is fleeting and small. I want a new job. I want this specific job. I want to be outside more. I want to purchase a van and travel up and down the country with our bikes.
Those few, simple, points alone will drastically change how my average day rolls out from that satisifed feeling of doing a days work that you actually enjoyed to knowing I don’t have to be jovial and happy in the entertainment of others, something I enjoy
doing but it seems less so than I used to. Maybe I am just tired? I feel tired but then again I feel that this is much more than that. Perhaps I am tired because I need this change? I am over-thinking it now. I know this. I despise it when people say “you are just tired” Yes, I am tired of having my tiredness feel so inconsequential… sigh.
OK. First things first. I need to get this job. Pretty sure if I do or do not there will be something said about it in here.
I am sure some have noticed my lack of streaming lately. I think last week I managed two in a week that normaly contains five a week. Panic not… just yet anyway.
We all need a break in whatever we do, be it streaming, working (which streaming often feels like) or anything we do in life. Sometimes we just need a break. I need a break right now so I am taking it.
This is not to say there are no other reasons, there are. I have of late felt a little… Dark in the mind? Not depresed but tired. Tired on a mental level which in my opinion
is the hardest one to beat. Couple that with a tiredness of the body due to lack of excercise, dark nights, lack of sleep… oh I could go on but I won’t, and streaming is taking
a definitive back ring on the stove top of life. Heh, I like that. The stove top of life! Must remember to use that one again. There are other factors present that push my current interest to stream further away.
One is the new PC coming. Both myself and Emma are treating ourselves to a gaming desktop rig for Christmas and I have to say I am excited.
It’s been a long time since the concept of jonesing (having the latest thing) in computers caused anything inside me other than self hate but right now the thought of RTX, Gen4 PCIe, RGB Memory and the rest make me feel like
I did when I first started on the PC side. Back then it was a Voodoo and playing Quake 2 at full screen, full speed and realising I had downed a 6-pack of Coke and lost track of 8 hours straight.
This new excitment follows very similiar lines except this time around its large bottles of sugar free Coke and Quake 2 with added RTX to make it all pop. The irony is not lost on me that I will be playing a retro game from 1997 on a computer
that could emulate a computer playing Quake 2 on another computer and still have the CPU to send a dozen probes to Mars in real-time. I will also be playing Red Dead Redemption 2 though so its all good.
Where was I?
Oh yes. Streaming. See, this new rig is making me turn from my chosen gaming theme of retro to the more modern and as such you can expect a week, or much more, of modern game streams ran with RTX or 1440p (2K to anyone not anal) but the downside of this
is that I want to do it NOW! The new PC isn’t here yet though so… sad, and uninspired to stream anything else until that point. Fear not though retro people, I shall still stream everything bar the C64 but perhaps slightly less than previously. Will this affect viewing figures? For sure! Is that part of the reason for the streaming woes? Good grief no. I think I reached a point now where I stream for me rather than others. I already passed the point where I cared that someone was leaving my stream
because I didn’t do a certain thing (commodore fanbois, I see you hiding in the bushes gasping for breath) and I am so much happier for it. So yes. I will be back. It will be sooner rather than later and it will be featuring a lot more modern gaming
of the type I probably at some point said I wasn’t interested in. Things change. I change.
I still love you all though!
Firstly let me state for the blind and wantingly stupid, I really am not Ryan Reynolds.
Why did I pick this name? I was sat on the sofa at 5.34am pondering my existence whilst simultaneously failing at sleep when I thought
how cool would it be to not be Ryan Reynolds? No clearer? Welcome to my World.
So. Who am I and why does this exist?
I am Not Ryan Reynolds. Some call me Hitch. I stream. I say things. I am often misconstrued and I like to talk. The latter being the perfect
reason for this blog.
I have no real ideas about what content shall be placed here. I do know that most of it will be personal thoughts and of very little
interest to the World at large. If you are reading this then I shall assume one of two things. You are very bored and/or you enjoy
meaningless ramblings from a total stranger. This is fine. I like these things too. Hello fellow random person!
What follows is… Well, let’s just find out shall we?